One thing about living with a child with an FASD is that I often feel like I might be going a little crazy. I think I'm a fairly sane, realistic person grounded in reality but when you are trying to get information from a child with an FASD it can rock your formally grounded, sane world. It also makes you doubt your own senses, not in the normal funny way but really doubt them.
Today my daughter Isabella was peeling a large cucumber, I was going to use said cucumber for dinner so I asked her if she had peeled the entire cucumber. No threat, just a question. She said "no" but in the 14 years I have known this girl I have learned a few things and one is don't believe a word she says. Not that she is really lying but she bends and twists the facts into an unrecognizable ball of stuff that can only make sense to her. I think it's called confabulation but it should be call confuse-you-lation because that's what it is- confusing! It leaves me scratching my head and saying out loud, "huh"?
The cucumber was no different. I asked her to show me the cucumber and when she held it up, the entire thing was peeled, the entire thing all the way to the stem. I said, I thought you didn't peel it all. Now this is the mind blowing part, she said:" I DIDN'T ". Yet, I am looking at an entirely peeled English cucumber with my own two blue 20/20 eyes. I almost wondered if I was going blind or really was losing it a little because she said it with such confidence while simultaneously displaying the evidence. It made me doubt myself, but just for a second (I'm no rookie).
This is such a small thing, it's only a cucumber, but it illustrates a bigger point that these kids can really push you to your mental breaking point. I know I have 14 years of experience under my belt but I'm still surprised that I'm surprised by these types of behaviors. We have dealt with lying, skipping school, stealing school supplies from teachers, stealing money from siblings, stealing candy at home, stealing candy at school, stealing candy at friends houses, stealing candy from little children (you get it) and lots of other stuff in just the past 2 months yet, and yet, I AM STILL SURPRISED!!! That is what's crazy.
Isabella is the most charming, darling, helpful, pure, good through-and-through child. This type of bold-faced lying stuff is not her and it's not her fault, she just says whatever pops into her head. She doesn't have the benefit of an executive filter like we do or that ever-so-important cause and effect reasoning. And since she is usually trying to dodge trouble or stay afloat she just says the thing that she thinks will have the best outcome for her. It's a crap shoot for her, not a matter of what is true and what isn't.
I'm not sure she actually knows what the truth is sometimes. Like when she told me a story yesterday about a girl (we'll call her Em). Em was Isabella's Jr. high friend for a short time but is now mean to her because according to Isabella, Em had to move to a new home and neighborhood so it has made her bitter and mean. I thought, hmmmm, that is what Isabella really believes. That's how she is making sense of this mean girl. When I offered some other reasons that Em might be mean to her (such as she didn't like Isabella lying to her ) she was surprised and perplexed. The truth of why Em is mean to Isabella makes no sense to her. Funny! Ironic even! I am surprised and confused by the "lies" that Isabella tells and she is surprised and confused by the truth!
Perfect Post Natalie, well said!
ReplyDeleteThanks Natalie, you shared some good insights for those of us who aren't raising a child with an FASD. You can certainly put a sentence together!
ReplyDeleteOh Natalie for just a minute there I thought I was reading a conversation I had had with one of my girls! This journey is so full of challenges and joy all mixed together... Thank you for your courage, leadership and love.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Natalie!!
ReplyDeleteHello Natalie !
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. Oh, The stories ! Between the ones that have been told to others and the ones we hear at home from our adopted 16 year old daughter. I could write a series of books. Last year we had child and family services come for a visit due to one of the "big" Stories she told the school teachers. There of course was no case against us. This year I found a great print out that talks about the story telling and how to handle it. I already passed it out to all of her school teachers. http://www.faslink.org/strategies_not_solutions.pdf ( page 19 ) Our Sweet Madison has no friends. She did some time back but as she got older it's like she lost all of them. I think between the stories and her peers not understanding her they wanted nothing to do with her. Some girls being just flat out mean. However, Madi doesn't get it. She also has excuses of why they can't hang out or call. I am almost thinking her lack of understanding is a blessing in disguise in this case. I try to explain to her so that can somewhat understand that calling or going over to their homes isn't going to help. She will still stick up for them. Again, Thank you so much for sharing . Its so Nice to hear this from someone else.
I have a daughter that has not been diagnosed, though it has long been on our minds and is getting progressively harder to deal with as she gets older because of the crazy lying! It's hard to discipline, knowing she obviously has no idea why, what, how, she's doing it! She steals a lot as well. I hope we can get some help so we can do our best to get her through life without major issue!
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